I haven’t written in the past week or 2 because i have been quite ill and i had a lot of stuff to do that i have been busy with and i could write a whole post on how much of a struggle the past week has been but i wanted to write about something that recently hit me hard. I have friends; few but still. I have my best friend! But i feel like we are slowly drifting, she doesn’t tell me much anymore and we have the driest chats its almost painful. I know in maybe a 2 or 3 years i will loose that connection with her, yeah we will still talk and inform each other on the latest goss, but its not like before and i know i cant rely or be with her forever i will have to face that sooner or later but not at the moment. My family. My dad is in another country, he was the only one i could rely on. He treated me like a 8 years old but i don’t care he looked after me and cared for me and took me to school and made breakfast, the list goes on, but now he’s away from me. My brother. We used to be so close, you wouldn’t even believe it compare to how he treats me now. Less than 2 years younger than me and he is out of control. My mum. That’s a whole different post but all i can say is that in her eyes I’ve grown my wings and as soon as I’m old enough, i can fly out of the nest. Meaning she doesn’t worry about me no more or think I’m irresponsible she thinks i am independent and she is ‘proud’ of me because I’m not like my brother and i am not another load. That’s about it. The main people a person relies on during there life. I feel as if there is no one to depend on anymore. It gives me a sort of hollow feeling. I don’t like it. I have to face facts though, i may still be a kid in other peoples eyes but in my eyes i stand alone and that’s how it is from now on. That’s what hit me hard in the past week. I stand alone. I should be an Emo or something but i am SUCH a social and friendly and dependent person, i don’t have any idea how i am gonna manage. Maybe these self note steps might help:
- Trust no-one. Every time you trust, you get hurt. They either leave you or break you. Don’t trust anyone with secrets or friendship or even your emotions, tell Melody instead.
- Be a loner. Isolate yourself from the crowd. The occasional smile or hello can stay. Trusting no one means flying solo. Just be on your own. That way your not disappointed by rejection.
- Don’t care. So what if they think your a looser? So what if they don’t like you? You don’t care. It doesn’t matter if they don’t talk to you or they laugh at you. Don’t talk back just ignore them and don’t care. But this part is important, don’t pretend to not care that will damage you. Just try NOT to care. If there spiteful glass them because you don’t care.
- Focus on yourself. Only care about yourself. Your grades. Yourself.
- Only talk with friends. I know i said be a loner before but if you are alone at break or lunch it means people might notice which will bring more attention to you like teachers thinking i am a bullied child or something and kids thinking i am a weirdo with no friends. So just talk with friends. i will add small talk with people as well.
- Stay in your own thoughts. Its better that way. Keep talking to yourself in your mind.
- Stay happy in front those who react big. If you have that teacher who always asks how you are just act so happy and fake. You have a smile and you have used it for years; fake or real so just smile and act happy. Your a brilliant actor, i am sure you can pull it off as that happy girl.
- Always remember: You Stand Alone.
Thats all my steps i will continue to look back at these and use them. I know one day i will stop this and when i am 30 years old or something i will look at this and laugh but for now, i will stick by these; My Life Steps.
Just if i forget, Melody is my imaginary friend and Glass is killing or torturing someone in my mind.
Be – Common (The song i listened to while typing this up, even though its the complete opposite of what i feel. Which is not like myself at all and its such a happy and meaningful song compared to my mood which is dark and upset)
Much love to my readers and future self xx
Mayaville 